How many times a day do you engage in negative self-talk?
- “I’ll never have a 6+ figures business. I’m not Marie Forleo.”
- “I’m not good at sales. Why would anyone buy from me?”
- “If I charge high prices, no one will buy from me and my business will fail.”
I had all these negative thoughts running through my head when I first started my coaching business. I was so convinced no one would see me a capable coach and that I wouldn’t get clients…
…That I manifested exactly that. It went like this:
“People just don’t see me as a capable and confident coach.” –> Shows up nervous on discovery calls –> Doesn’t sign up clients.
Your thoughts create your reality. They determine how you feel in the moment, the actions you take, how people perceive you – and, as a result, the results you get.
If you want to reach your next income and business level, even one single negative thought is a luxury you can’t afford.
Here’s how to stop the negative self-talk once and for all:
What Is Negative Self-Talk?
Self-talk is simply the negative thoughts you have about yourself and your abilities. There are different types of negative self-talk:
- Black and white thinking: “I always mess up.”
- Fortune telling: “There’s no point in me doing webinars. No one will come.”
- Labelling: “I’m so stupid!”
- Magnification: “I’m so horrible at sales, I’ll never get clients.”
- Mind reading: “They must see I’m not that good at what I do. What if they expose me as a fraud?”
- Minimisation: “Can’t believe I got a client from Instagram. It must have been a fluke.”
Where Does Negative Self-Talk Come From?
Did you know that most of your thoughts are NOT yours at all? Yes, that’s true.
Think about it. If your negative thoughts were your own, they’d be 100% tailored to yourself, your personality, your abilities, and your circumstances. Instead:
- Pretty much every woman on the planet doesn’t think she’s pretty enough.
- Pretty much everyone who starts a business doesn’t feel like they’re good enough at what they do.
- Pretty much everyone is afraid of public speaking and are afraid they’re going to be rejected for saying something stupid or boring
Do you know what that means? If every, or most, humans have the same negative self-talk, then those thoughts are not about you. And they’re not true.
Negative self-talked is learned. At school. By watching movies. By scrolling through perfect pictures on Instagram. By hearing your parents talk bad about themselves.
Unless you consciously question a negative thought, your subconscious mind accepts it as the truth. The more you hear that thought, the more it runs on autopilot in your head. The more it plays in your head, the more you believe it.
How Negative Self-Talk Sabotages Your Business
I’ve touched on this, but let’s go deeper. Here’s the cycle of self-sabotage:
I used to be terrified of going live on Instagram (or doing any form of public speaking, for that matter). Yet, I know that for coaches, going live and public speaking are the best ways to get clients. So, I’ll use this example to illustrate the cycle of self-sabotage.
GOAL: Getting 3 1:1 clients this month.
Your negative self-talk says: “I’m too awkard to go live on Instagram. People won’t like my accent. I’ll say something stupid.”
This negative self-talk triggers negative feelings: “I feel so insecure going live. I’m afraid of making mistakes. My palms are sweating, I’m so anxious.”
These negative feelings determine the actions you take: “I shouldn’t go live today. I’ll just post a nice caption and a few stories.”
Your actions determine your results: “Another month went by and I still didn’t get any clients…”
Your results determine your identity: “I’m shy and introverted. If I weren’t, it’d be so easy to go live and get clients.”
And the self-sabotaging cycle starts again. Your negative self-talk determines the results you get. If you want to reach your gaols, you need to feed your mind POSITIVE thoughts you can make it happen. Change your thoughts, and the whole cycle turns positive.
How To Stop Negative Self-Talk
You can’t stop thinking. But, you can stop the negative self-talk and turn your harsh inner critic into your biggest cheerleader. Here are 5 ways to do it:
1. Become Aware Of Your Thoughts
Did you know your brain is lazy? Once you do something enough times, it makes that behaviour automatic. This is how you can brush your teeth or drive your car to work without remembering every action you took to do it.
The same is true for your thoughts. When you think something enough times, your brain puts it into a playlist that blasts through your head all day long – regardless of whether that thought is true or not. Scary, huh?
Most of your self-talk is so automatic, you’re not even aware you’re doing it. When last year, my coach asked me to record every single thought I had for 2 days, I was shocked to discover how many times “I’m not good enough” came up. It was literally on repeat all day long.
The first step to stop your negative self-talk is to become aware of what you’re telling yourself on a daily basis.
When a negative thought pops up, just observe it. Don’t judge it. Don’t blame yourself for having it. Don’t try to make it go away. Just observe it and note it down.
TAKE ACTION NOW
For the next 24 hours, jot down every negative thought you have. Don’t deny it. Don’t judge it. Just write it down.
At the end of the 24 hours, look for patterns. What are you telling yourself all day long?
Related: How To Overcome Self-Doubt
2. Challenge Negative Self-Talk
Here’s another scary fact: most of the thoughts in your head are outdated, misleading, or just plain wrong.
Heck, a lot of them time, they’re not even yours. You picked them up from your parents, your friends, your culture, and the people around you (when you hear something enough times, your brain makes it automatic, remember?).
If those thoughts are NOT your own, you DON’T have to believe them. You can choose your own thoughts and create a more positive reality.
TAKE ACTION NOW
Once you’ve become aware of a negative thought, challenge it by journalling on these questions:
- Is this thought really true? Do I have incontrovertible proof that it’s true?
- Is this thought true now? Maybe it’s true you were shy when you were 6, but that doesn’t mean you’re still shy or can’t network now.
- Whose voice is this? Is this my own thought or did I pick it up from someone else?
If a thought is false, outdated, or someone else’s, let it go. You don’t have to believe it anymore.
3. Reframe Your Negative Self-Talk
The best way to quit a bad habit is to replace it with a positive habit. The same is true for your thoughts.
Once you’ve discovered a negative thought isn’t true, replace it with something positive that is true.
“I’m not good at selling” becomes “I’m getting better and better at selling every day.”
The trick is to replace a negative thought with something that you actually believe. Your brain isn’t stupid. If you suddenly start thinking unrealistic thoughts, it’ll call you bluff and double down on the negative self-talk.
TAKE ACTION NOW
Now you have uncovered false, outdated, and borrowed negative thoughts, reframe them into positive affirmations. Make sure you believe them as you write them down, otherwise, it won’t work.
Once you have your affirmations, hang them up where you’ll see them often. Set them up as alarms for your phone. Save them as your desktop screensaver.
Negative beliefs were formed by repetition. Repeat your positive affirmations now as much as you can to replace them.
Related: How To Reprogramme Your Subconscious Mind For Success
4. Celebrate Your Wins
When you focus on all the things you think you’re doing wrong, you miss out on all the things that you are doing right. Think of:
- The clients you already have.
- The products you’ve launched.
- The challenges you’ve overcome to get to where you are now.
You’ve accomplished so much already. So why don’t you recognise it?
When you jump from one goal to the next without taking the time to celebrate your accomplishments and what you’ve learned, you’re teaching your brain to think they’re not important. You know what your brain does with information that’s not important? It ignores it.
Get into the habit of celebrating all your wins (big and small) and every milestone towards your goals. You’ll realise how capable you are and build an unshakeable confidence in your abilities.
TAKE ACTION NOW
Write down ALL your accomplishments on a piece of paper and hang it on a wall where you’ll see it often. As you reach more goals or experience a new win, add it to the list.
From now on, every time you reach a goal (or a milestone towards it), celebrate it. Here are a few ideas:
- Buy yourself flowers
- Have a bubble bath
- Book a spa treatment for yourself
- Go out to dinner to your fave restaurant
- Eat cake
- Organise a special night out with your girlfriends
- Purchase something on your wish-list
- Take a day off to travel (or enjoy some much-needed time off at home)
5. Surround Yourself With Positive People
Your brain is an automation machine, remember? If you spend most of your time with people who come up with all kinds of excuses why it’s not possible to build a 7-figures business or writing a best-selling book, your brain will adopt those excuses too. Cue negative self-talk.
I know it’s not possible to cut all the negative people out of your life, especially if they’re family members or close friends.
But you can spend more time with people who are confident in their abilities and are working towards reaching their business goals. With time, their positive beliefs will rub off on you, too.
If you don’t have anyone who is encouraging you to pursue your big business goals, go out there and find them. Thanks to the internet, it’s never been easier to build your positive, empowering community.
TAKE ACTION NOW
Start building your supportive community now:
- Join a Facebook group.
- Enroll in a class/group programme/mastermind.
- Listen to podcasts (virtual mentors count, too!).
- Work with a coach.
- Reach out to people you resonate with on Instagram.
- Go to networking events in your city.
Wrapping It Up
Negative self-talk and beliefs are automatic, outdated, borrowed, and false. The key to stop them is to become aware of your negative thoughts, challenge them, and surround yourself with as much positivity as you can.
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